My Own Private Keanu

My Own Private Keanu

I know a guy who went to private school with Keanu Reeves. Their uniforms were maroon. Keanu played hockey real good. I know a girl whose cousin with a weird name like Tanya, dated teenaged Keanu. I have seen Keanu walk out of a building. He is tall. So, I know Keanu. And he has really changed.

I blame the Hollywood types he hangs out with. That Sandra Bullock character.  What’s she up to? No good. And how about all those karate guys he makes movies with? They’re always kicking through walls. It must get tiresome for my friend, Keanu.

I should say it right now. I am magic. My magic: I am invisible. Not all of the time.  But MOST of the time. And not invisible like: “Nobody ever remembers my name!” but invisible like people stare through me and see the clock on the wall behind me and say: “It’s 12:15, and I feel sick.” 

It makes people sick to be around me. Maybe it’s from staring through my awful invisible matter. I don’t have a laboratory for the precise experiments, so you’ll have to accept my life as evidence. It hurts my feelings when people stare through me, so don’t think I enjoy being magic.

The night I allegedly “broke into” my dearest friend Keanu’s home, I just walked through the front door. Keanu has a child doorman. I rang the bell and the child, the boy named Craig-y, opened the door wide and scampered out, maybe expecting a pizza.  But I walked by Craig-y. He didn’t see me, because I’m invisible. Are you getting this at all?

I also walked by a leggy model, all hair and eyes. Eyes so big, like lamplights in her head, and she didn’t see me, even with her weirdy googly eyes. She was busy dancing with her small dog by the stereo. Keanu has a terrific record collection.     

I went by Keanu’s dojo, and it was filled with karate guys, busting up bricks with their pinkies, growing droopy mustaches, signing up on a volunteer board to die for a noble cause. And yet, with all their sensing ability, none of them saw me. I would have to say something to Keanu about his ninjas. I was too worried for his safety now.

 I went up the stairs, not quietly. I stomped my way up. I told you, it hurts my feelings to be invisible. Don’t you think I wanted to eat pizza with little Craig-y?  Don’t you know I would love to have danced with a freaky eye model? Do you even care that I share the passion Keanu has for martial arts and know how lonely it is to be The One.  And I knowwwww how jealous and petty people can be.

My family has suggested I may not be invisible. They say I’m just small and ugly, and that’s why there are no pictures of my entire childhood.

  And others think--I’m referring to the two other girls on my soccer team—we haven’t had a game yet.  We just kick a ball around, FOR NOW.  These Others think that I should use my magic for good and invade Syria. Just go in there and pull the plug on the computer. But I think the Others are trying to trick me into using my magic to go and fetch the ball from the mean lady’s yard where I kicked it last week in a fit of martial arts. Now we just stand in a triangle and I I tell them how concerned I am for Keanu. He really seems to be losing his grip on reality. 

 Keanu finished filming his new hit thriller, Atari 2001. He plays a man lost on the internet, in a box, in Japan. He came home late and I heard him say hello to Craig-y.  And he had bought a new record for the model and she said “Yay!” and played it.  Keanu went into the dojo and surprised those karate guys. Total sneak attack. He is always teaching them lessons. Then I heard him come up the stairs.

I was waiting for him in his library.  He walked in and looked at me. He looked right at me.  He saw me with his eyes and kept looking at me. He could see me. I was so relieved. He said things about the police, and how I needed to leave. But I was just too happy that my oldest friend could still see me. He’s going to be okay!